27 February 2013 ~ 139 Comments

I Walk the Line

As a business owner in an industry where sharing personal life details is the norm, it can be tough to strike the balance between informing your audience — who often view me as a friend rather than a “vendor” or corporate entity — and maintaining some semblance of privacy. Not that I’m all that private a person, though I strive to keep my focus on my readers and customers and yes, friends, rather than on myself.

Flickr/Alfsan

So when something happens in my life that doesn’t necessarily affect my business, I often err on the side of leaving it out of the public eye. My mission as a business owner and advocate in the scrapbooking industry is clear: To provide information and resources to help women make their memory-making and -keeping simple, fast, and fun. If something doesn’t fit that mission, chances are I’m going to leave it out. Not because I want to be secretive, but because it doesn’t serve you, my reader.

Which is why I’m putting this post here on my personal blog rather than on Layoutaday.com.

So let’s get on with it.

I’ve been a bit reclusive of late, not posting as regularly on Layoutaday.com, cutting back on my podcasting, and even limiting my business activities — a rarity for me, who usually has the strength of ten Grinches, plus two more! :) When asked, I’ve evaded a direct response, instead citing non-specific “health issues.”

Well, now’s the time to be a little more specific. Bare with me here, as I’m trying to get this down right.

In late January, I started feeling “funny.” Just not right. Low energy, nausea, just plain icky. With the flu going around, a busy work schedule, and a drastic change in my diet (I was doing a 30-day Paleo-type diet that excluded soy, dairy, wheat, alcohol, gluten, sugar, sugar substitutes, blah blah blah) I figured it was something I was eating/not eating or doing/not doing.

And then.

And then it occurred to me, “I feel like I did when I was pregnant… TEN YEARS AGO.”

Yeah, some people might have connected the dots a bit more quickly. But please remember that at this point I was 43 11/12 years old, and not exactly trying to get knocked up. So pregnancy didn’t occur to me immediately… until I started doing a bit of math and realized I was late. Not obscenely so, but enough so my wheels started spinning.

Let’s flash forward a bit. Yes, I was pregnant. Yes, my husband and I freaked out. Yes, I immediately started thinking about applying for my own reality TV show called “The World’s Oldest Mom.” Yes, we realized that adding a baby to our household would mean a drastic shift in how we live our life. A new car, a possible live-in nanny, a reduction in work hours… And a lot of that would start immediately.

At the “advanced maternal age” of 44 (which I was by this time), the risk of miscarriage is over 50 percent. And the risk of other issues is correspondingly high. So I immediately put myself on modified bed rest –  which was easy to do because I didn’t feel like doing anything but eating Lucky Charms and sleeping anyway.

And this is probably where you noticed something was up. Where were the new blog posts? Where was Lain on the message boards? Why is she logging in to chats from her bed? What the heck is going on? So now you know. I was quietly resting up, dealing with 24-hour-a-day “morning” sickness, and trying to imagine being 62 at my youngest child’s high school graduation. (Would I need a wheelchair? Could I get special seating in the front row? Would I qualify for a coveted handicapped parking place?)

During this time we started to get excited. Babies, in our home, are always a blessing. So Callie began researching names, Kinsey brought me my Lucky Charms, and Ben declared that as long as it wasn’t another girl, he’d be fine with the whole thing. So I watched tons of reruns of Criminal Minds and the entire 10th, 11th, and 12th seasons of Law & Order: SVU and gained 15 pounds. And went to weekly OB appointments to check on “Speck,” as Callie called the baby-to-be. We became cautiously optimistic as each week passed and things looked better and better.

I knit two baby blankets and invested in a few Liz Lange maternity tops from Target. I began researching six-passenger vans.

I also had a very good chuckle at the fact that my One Little Word for 2013 is “BIGGER.” Yeah, God has a funny sense of humor. I was thinking of living a bigger life and growing my business bigger and he goes and makes ME bigger with a bigger family…. haha, God! Score one for you!

We still kept things very quiet, telling only a few in-person friends and family members. Not because we were hiding anything, but because we knew the risks were high and we didn’t want to jump the gun. You have no idea how hard this was for me. As I said before, I consider each and every one of my readers, listeners, customers, and online connections to be friends, and I didn’t like keeping such secrecy around a big part of my life, but I knew it was for the best.

Oh, and yeah, I was dealing with this while I was deep in the middle of leading 450 women through Layout a Day (LOAD) 213…. planning the first live True Stamp event… and hosting the first-ever “Lunch and Scrap with Lain.” To say it’s been a little stressful around here is putting it mildly. In this time I did not one load of laundry, went to the grocery store only when absolutely critical, and slept approximately 18 hours a day. Oh, and the temperature in our bedroom was not allowed to be set above 65 degrees. My husband is a saint.

Flash forward again to this week. As of this Tuesday (yesterday), I was 10-1/2 weeks along and due for a full blood panel and ultrasound. I went into the office, confident that in just a few weeks I’d be able to share the happy news with everyone as I passed out of the risky first trimester.

This is the hard part.

To put it bluntly, the doctor was not able to find a heartbeat on the ultrasound. I was sent immediately to the hospital for a higher-definition ultrasound, but we ended up with the same result.

Sometime over the weekend, the littlest member of our family’s heart just stopped.

There is no reason. There is no apparent cause. It just happened.

I did everything “right.” I took my prenatals. I rested. I stopped going to Bikram Yoga just in case the heat and higher body temp would be problematic. I didn’t eat shellfish or drink alcohol, I didn’t overexert myself or smoke or expose myself to toxic fumes. I went to my doctor’s appointments and did what I was supposed to.

It just happened.

Flickr/Kewl

So what now? We’re very, very sad, of course. But we also believe with all our hearts that God has a plan. I don’t have to understand it or like it, but I rest safe in the knowledge that everything has a purpose — and sometimes it’s up to us to make that meaning. I can choose how to handle this. I don’t deny my grief or even wish it away. It contains a sweet kernel of joy in that I am capable of loving in faith before I even knew this child.

The hardest part for me is that as a mother, I’ve always believed with all my heart that I would know if something happened to one of my kids. I love them so deeply and passionately and completely that how COULDN’T I know if they were hurting or in trouble or needed me? I am their mom, their protector, their biggest fan. But when this little one’s heart stopped, I had no clue. And I just don’t understand how that could be — that I could not know, for days even, that something was wrong.

And that’s where I am now. I am sad and grieving, but this will not destroy me or my family. Do I like it? No, not at all. Am I glad it happened? Still working on that one. But whenever I am confused or overwhelmed, I ask myself what I know for sure.

I know for sure that any opportunity to love is a gift.

I know for sure that we are bigger than our circumstances.

I know for sure that I am not fragile, nor is my relationship with my husband, nor is my family.

I know for sure that Friday night, the five (six) of us went to a play at Ben’s high school and sat in a row and laughed and enjoyed being together and being a family. And the little one was part of that. When the end came, he or she was loved, safe, and warm, and cuddled up with me. And as a mother, that’s really all I could ever ask for.

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Thank you for your friendship and support. And thank you for understanding that this is my story — not one I project on anyone else. We each have our own tales to tell, and I appreciate your giving me the chance to share one of mine.

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139 Responses to “I Walk the Line”

  1. Kelly McCausey 27 February 2013 at 10:20 am Permalink

    Big tight hug for you Lain… and another for your family.

    Thank you for sharing your whole journey with us. I take it as a gift, a real chance to understand what you’ve been through.

    God bless you.

  2. Monica 27 February 2013 at 10:20 am Permalink

    I know for sure that you are an amazingly strong woman! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as you navigate this difficult time. Love and peace be yours Lain.

  3. Beth 27 February 2013 at 10:31 am Permalink

    I send you hugs and prayers. I know that this is a difficult time for you and your family. I wish you all the best and you are an amazingly strong woman. Love to you Lain.

  4. Cara 27 February 2013 at 10:34 am Permalink

    Lain, you and your family are in my prayers.

  5. Dawn Stegall 27 February 2013 at 10:35 am Permalink

    A piece of writing that makes you both laugh and cry-powerful! Thank you for sharing what you are going through. I have no words except you are truly amazing and in my thoughts and prayers!

  6. gina z 27 February 2013 at 10:35 am Permalink

    Heartbreak sweetheart. Love and prayers for your walk.

  7. Kelli 27 February 2013 at 10:45 am Permalink

    I have tears in my eyes and my heart for you. {HUG} Thank you for sharing. I know it’s not easy. Love to you and your family as you go through your grief.

  8. Danielle 27 February 2013 at 10:48 am Permalink

    My friend you are one incredible woman. You are strong and you are brave and you are SO VERY LOVED!

  9. Heather D 27 February 2013 at 10:59 am Permalink

    Oh Lain! So sad for you all! Sending you lots of love and support!

  10. Debbie ONeal 27 February 2013 at 11:08 am Permalink

    Sending you a BIG TEXAS SIZE HUG ! My heart goes out to you and your family. Take your time to grieve. Your biz will still be there when you are ready to jump back to to it. We love you and you just have to say the word and we will help you any way we can.

  11. Alison Day 27 February 2013 at 1:42 pm Permalink

    Oh Lain I am so heart broken for you! Big {{HUGS}} to you and your family. Thanks for sharing this with us, I know it wasn’t easy. May you find peace and know that you are surrounded by love!

  12. Connie Hanks 27 February 2013 at 2:07 pm Permalink

    Dear, Sweet, Powerful Lain ~ tears are streaming down my face as my heart aches for you and your family. Thank you for courageously sharing this very personal experience with us. God does have a funny way of helping us reach our “BIGGER” goals, doesn’t He?! Sending big, tight hugs to you and yours; and I pray the Lord shines his light extra bright on you and your family during this difficult and healing time.
    xoxo,
    /c

  13. Alice Boll 27 February 2013 at 4:12 pm Permalink

    As I read your story I began to feel excited for you, Lain. To have this unexpected surprise come into your life would be sure to shake things up, but the love you, your husband, and your family would have given this new bundle of joy would have been the best reminder that good things come in small packages.

    Although this wasn’t a path you sought to explore, it is heartbreaking to hear that you won’t have the opportunity to see where this journey would lead. I’m sorry that even though you were doing the ‘right’ things, little Speck didn’t have the opportunity to grow and flourish in your loving family.

    Thanks for your story, and for being an example in sharing the moments in our life.
    Love and hugs.
    Alice.

  14. Traci Reed 27 February 2013 at 6:29 pm Permalink

    Oh Lain, my deepest condolences to your family. We have twice survived miscarriage ourselves and I know how devastating the loss of Speck is :( Hugs to you and yours and eat some more lucky charms for Speck before you begin the long process of recovery. My thoughts are with you!

  15. Jen Gallacher 27 February 2013 at 6:52 pm Permalink

    Oh sweet, Lain! I went through something similar at 37. So surprised and then so devastated. My heart just aches for you, sweetie! :( I will keep you and your family in my prayers!

    Jen

  16. kellicrowe 27 February 2013 at 6:58 pm Permalink

    Lain,

    I am so sorry. I want to get us matching flannel pj’s and climb into bed with you and watch your scary criminal shows with you through my fingers.

    Aside from the mild inappropriateness, I wish I could just come and give you a hug.

    kelli

  17. Kristie 27 February 2013 at 7:37 pm Permalink

    Oh, sweet Lain! Could you please give a “Get the kleenex” alert for things like this! Thank you for sharing your story. I know I was not alone in wondering how you have been doing and if you had an answer to your health concerns. We love you! Sending thought and prayers your way for you and your family!
    (Insert big hug here!)

  18. Christina 27 February 2013 at 8:01 pm Permalink

    Many hugs to you, my friend! I’m so very sorry for your loss and sure wish I knew what else to say. I’m thinking of you and sending prayers for your whole family that you can find peace.

  19. Jodie McNally 27 February 2013 at 9:05 pm Permalink

    My love and prayers are all I can offer from this far away. I’ll be sending lots. Love you, girly! Please let me know if there is anything I can do to make this time easier for you. xoxo

  20. Trista 27 February 2013 at 9:41 pm Permalink

    So so sorry to hear this news, Lain. Your writing here is beautiful. You & your family will be in my thoughts. Sending a big virtual hug!

  21. jett 27 February 2013 at 9:56 pm Permalink

    Oh Lain, I’m so sorry. Sending e-hugs and prayers your way.

  22. Linda Auclair 27 February 2013 at 10:00 pm Permalink

    Sending you gentle ((hugs)) and full understanding. I hope that every day gets a little easier. I’ll keep you and your sweet family in my prayers.

  23. Ana Balcarcel 27 February 2013 at 10:01 pm Permalink

    Lain…so sorry for your loss and for all of the rollercoaster emotions that you have been going through. You are right when you say, “God has a plan”. He always does. Thank you for sharing your story and giving us an opportunity to grieve with you. This will pass and make you a better and stronger person for it.
    Lots of hugs and kisses sent to you and your family.

  24. Linda 27 February 2013 at 10:01 pm Permalink

    Lain,

    I wish I had words of comfort, just know people care and thank you for sharing.

  25. Wynn 27 February 2013 at 10:01 pm Permalink

    Lain, You are such an inspiration. Your strength is amazing. How blessed you are to have such a strong and understanding family. You are in our prayers and thoughts.

  26. Theresa Rawlins Knopf 27 February 2013 at 10:01 pm Permalink

    Faith will see you through this and all obstacles. Prayers and hugs for you and your family.

  27. Lynnette C. 27 February 2013 at 10:02 pm Permalink

    Hugs and healing thoughts coming your way Lain. No words can make it better any faster, but know that a lot of us adore you and your family and will always continue to hold you up in prayer and thoughts.

  28. Melinda Greer 27 February 2013 at 10:04 pm Permalink

    I know how you are feeling and I’m sending you a big Cyber {hug} right now. In 2005 I was 21 weeks along with baby #3 and just like you I went in for a routine appointment and they just could not find the heart beat,it was one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  29. Theresa 27 February 2013 at 10:05 pm Permalink

    Sending love, hugs, and prayers to you and your family during this difficult time.

  30. Margaret 27 February 2013 at 10:05 pm Permalink

    So Sorry for your loss.

  31. Renea 27 February 2013 at 10:06 pm Permalink

    Bless your heart! Praying for healing for you and your family.

  32. Darcy 27 February 2013 at 10:07 pm Permalink

    Thanks so much for sharing your story Lain. Many of us feel like we are your “friend” even though it is all via a virtual connection. I hope you are feeling the love of many tonight and know that everyone feels your sorrow and will keep you in their hearts. With prayers for peace. – Darcy

  33. Estelle 27 February 2013 at 10:14 pm Permalink

    Lain, Bless your heart. Much love, hugs and prayers for you and your sweet family as you all mourn this precious little life that ended.
    We don’t know why these things happen, but God has a purpose for every thing and He is truly in control. May He give you strength as you go on with your life without “Speck” You are strong woman and you will Survive!
    You and the family are in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.

  34. Crystal 27 February 2013 at 10:15 pm Permalink

    I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. You strength shows and its inspiring. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

  35. Stacy Buller 27 February 2013 at 10:16 pm Permalink

    Hey Lain, great Scrap Improv tonight. I am in awe of you and everything you do to help motivate us and inspire us to create. As you were wrapping up, I just had to pop over to see what the news was…and my heart sank. Your post is a beautiful tribute and testimony to the power of motherhood. Thank you for sharing yourself with us. We are all sending hugs and prayers your way.

  36. HWright aka move4life 27 February 2013 at 10:33 pm Permalink

    Lain, I may know you only thru ScrapHappy (and LOAD and yadda yadda), but I still contend we are family, so of course I read this and cried. I am so sorry. I have to admit I may have almost cried and peed my pants reading the first half — this would so be something that happens to me!! Crazy –in a do I laugh or cry sort of way?!?! :) (and I’m fairly certain to be honest I’d do a lot of both at first if I were to guess!! Even with such excitement, I’d bet I’d be a bit stunned even if it made perfect sense when you looked at the “hints”.)
    These are the words you wrote that did me in:
    “It contains a sweet kernel of joy in that I am capable of loving in faith before I even knew this child.”
    This is real love. The I Corinthians 13 type. It is real. And joyful. And painful. And endless. And your little one rests peacefully, soundly, and perfectly with Jesus right now. Perfectly loved.

    Tonight I pray your faith does not waiver. Your faith in your mom feelers. Your faith in goodness. Your faith in faith and God.
    Oh, and I’m praying for the rest of your family as well :)
    Hugs, Heidi in Ontario

  37. Sheri E. 27 February 2013 at 10:40 pm Permalink

    Dearest Lain. Oh so sorry to hear this. Sending hugs and love to you! And I know the great Healer is holding you all in His arms.

  38. JodieM 27 February 2013 at 11:08 pm Permalink

    So very sorry to hear this Lain, wow what a couple of months you have been through. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I know there is nothing anyone can say that will take away your grief but hopefully the love that we are all sending you will lessen it a little. Sending you a big hug!

  39. Michele 27 February 2013 at 11:53 pm Permalink

    Lain, I am so sorry to read your story… You will be in my prayers. All miscarriages are different, so I cannot know exactly how you feel, but just know that prayer, faith, loved ones, and your strength will be what see through this most difficult time. Time will allow you to heal. Prayers to you, Michele

  40. Denise 28 February 2013 at 12:59 am Permalink

    I am new to your site and went thru my first LOAD with you. Prayers for your happiness and strength to you and your family. I am glad to hear you are relying on God for your strength. Thank you for your inspiration. God bless you and your family.

  41. Jane Erickson 28 February 2013 at 3:27 am Permalink

    Lain- I am new here, but after scrapbooking improv and now just finishing up my first go at LOAD I already feel as though I have been included in a family. I have already grown to think of you as a sister, so I am just speechless. I just want to hug you and your family. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers are going out for your comfort.

  42. Vesta 28 February 2013 at 9:49 am Permalink

    So very sorry to hear your news. First the excitement and expectation, then the sadness. Your little one was and is loved. That is wonderful. I am sending lots of love and healing thoughts to you and your family.

  43. Christy S. (@PaperScientist) 28 February 2013 at 9:50 am Permalink

    I wish I had words that could make it better for you. {{{hugs}}} and good thoughts for your whole family.

  44. Dorothy F 28 February 2013 at 9:54 am Permalink

    Biggest hugs and prayers for you and your family.

  45. Michelle Moore 28 February 2013 at 9:54 am Permalink

    Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry! I’m sitting here crying for you, and wishing I could give you and your beautiful family a hug. Know that I am praying for all of you. There’s no easy answer or pat response, but remember, we love you, you’re not alone, and anytime you need for your family and yourself is ok. I wish there was more we as your “family” could do, but we will be praying.

  46. Suzy 28 February 2013 at 9:55 am Permalink

    Big hugs, Lain! Thank you for sharing your experience. I really appreciate your perspective. Sending lots of prayers & positive thoughts your way!

  47. Julia 28 February 2013 at 9:57 am Permalink

    I’m so sorry Lain.

  48. Danielle 28 February 2013 at 9:58 am Permalink

    I’m in tears. So sorry for your loss. What an emotional roller coaster – for you, your family, this post. Thank you for taking the time to document this and share with us. Hugs to you and your family.

  49. Alison Charlton 28 February 2013 at 10:00 am Permalink

    Oh Lain – so sad to hear about the loss of your little one. Keping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers. How brave you have been – how strong you have been – may you find stength in your faith, your family and friends and feel the love we are all sending your way! God bless.

  50. SusanB 28 February 2013 at 10:02 am Permalink

    Oh Lain…my heart is hurting for you and your family. Thank you for sharing with us, as difficult as it may have been for you to write those words. I am keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers and wish you and your family peace and comfort.

  51. Sandra 28 February 2013 at 10:05 am Permalink

    I’m so very sorry for your loss, Lain. Thinking of you.

  52. Libby Wiers 28 February 2013 at 10:05 am Permalink

    Lain, Sending hugs and prayers as you process the grief. We lost a grandchild to miscarriage, and while that is second-hand, it still hurt. Though my only contact with you has been through LOAD, and now ScrapHappy, every email, video, etc., feels like a friend coming into my home. Wishing you time to take care of yourself and thanking you for including me in the ScrapHappy family.

  53. MaryS. 28 February 2013 at 10:15 am Permalink

    Lain…. many hugs to you and your family as you process all that has happened. The highest of highs, the lowest of lows. That you are sharing this with us is truly inspirational and yet another show of your strength. May you and yours find peace in the coming days. Mary

  54. SarahAnneB. 28 February 2013 at 10:16 am Permalink

    I’m so sorry Lain. I lost three pregnancies before I had my first child (I was 40, so I knew the risks). It’s never easy. I’m sending lots of love and warm thoughts for you and your family.

  55. Karen 28 February 2013 at 10:18 am Permalink

    Lain,

    Words cannot express …. I just don’t even know what to say (that hasn’t already been said)…. You are so loved, and so admired …. happy and sad….

    Hang in there, we love you!
    Karen

  56. Becky 28 February 2013 at 10:18 am Permalink

    Much love and hugs for you, Lain!

  57. Simmone D. 28 February 2013 at 10:19 am Permalink

    Lain, I am so sorry for your family’s loss. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you are going through. You truly do make us feel like friends out here in the cyber world and I hope you know we are truly here for you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  58. Laura 28 February 2013 at 10:23 am Permalink

    Lain, I feel for you. What a brave and touching post. Losing a baby is so incredibly difficult. I am praying for you and your family. I lost one before having my two boys. I still feel a sense of loss for that little one, but also see it as a gift that connected me in a way to myself and a family. I hope you are able to be good to yourself right now!! Hugs and more hugs coming your way from Ohio.

  59. Judith Creed 28 February 2013 at 10:27 am Permalink

    Sweet, precious Lain, my heart is so sad for you and your family. Your sweet little Speck is resting in the arms of Jesus, and I fully believe that soon He’ll come and take us all to be there, too. We’ll be praying for you and your family as you walk through this journey, holding tight to His hand. Sending love and hugs…

  60. Karen 28 February 2013 at 10:31 am Permalink

    Oh Lain, sweet, joyous and heartbreaking. I am so sorry. I know time will help and your family sounds strong. Little Speck will always be a treasured part of your family. Hugs.

  61. Ali 28 February 2013 at 10:43 am Permalink

    Oh, Lain, I understand this on so many levels. My heart goes out to you and your family. Know you are wrapped in a HUGE (((gentle HUG))) today. TY for taking us into your confidence, it means so much. Keep that shining attitude… it really makes a huge difference to so many. xox-Ali… in NS

  62. Joyce 28 February 2013 at 10:43 am Permalink

    Lain – Hugs – thank you so much for so beautifully sharing. Your family is so sweet and supportive. Hugs to all. Say – if you need anything – let us know.

  63. Raesha de Ruiter Zylker 28 February 2013 at 10:50 am Permalink

    OH my beautiful friend….my heart breaks for you and your family and what you must be going through. Please now that you are loved dearly by SO many people. I know with all my heart that this little Speck will be in heaven when you get there and you will have the opportunity to know and raise that baby in our next life with Jesus. I love you so much and I’m sending you prayers.

  64. Cara 28 February 2013 at 10:54 am Permalink

    So sorry you have to go through this loss, Lain. Poor little Speck. Big hugs to you all…

  65. Cherl M 28 February 2013 at 11:00 am Permalink

    I’m so sooooo sorry to hear this Lain. The emotional roller coaster you WERE on and then yet another roller coaster ride to this end.
    Take the time you need to rest and heal in God’s loving arms and may He give you a peace beyond all understanding as well as to your family. Big hugs to you my friend and my prayers will be with you and yours.

  66. danielle_nl 28 February 2013 at 11:15 am Permalink

    Dear Lain, I ‘m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I know how it feels. You are in my thoughts. Big hugs,Danielle

  67. Judy Hackbart 28 February 2013 at 11:29 am Permalink

    My dad, the preacher, said,”Sorrow is the price tag we pay on love.” It’s never easy to loose a loved one, especially so little, but it sounds like you are surrounded by love, prayers, well wishes, friends and family. My thoughts and prayers go with you and your family.

  68. Marie-Michèle 28 February 2013 at 11:31 am Permalink

    Ohh… I’m so sad for you and your familiy. I send you a big hug and much love!

  69. Cathy Peper 28 February 2013 at 11:38 am Permalink

    Oh, Lain, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were having any health issues, but it makes me so sad to hear you lost your baby. I’ve had a miscarriage myself and know it’s not easy. Usually there’s no reason for it. It just happens. Take care of yourself.

  70. VirginiaW 28 February 2013 at 11:39 am Permalink

    I am one of your newest members to the Scrap Happy Family and I am so moved by your words of love, support, faith and concern that it moved me to tears. You are an incredible human being but first and foremost the best Mom ever. May you and your family grow stronger and the bond of love grow deeper through this heart wrenching experience. As it has been said above, you are very much loved and we are all here for you.

  71. Candy 28 February 2013 at 11:41 am Permalink

    Hang tight girl! The Father is with you and is constantly holding you in His arms. Thanks for sharing your heart! Be strong in the Lord, ask his “why”, He knows you and knows the plans He has for you and your family, seek His face. I’m adding you to my prayer list. Like my friend likes to say,”Jesus loves you and so do I.” Much love.

  72. Karen Halter 28 February 2013 at 11:44 am Permalink

    Dear Lain,
    So very sorry for your loss, you are blessed with such a wonderful family and rich life but I know you were already welcoming this precious child into your life. I know we all wonder why at times and we know the answers are not in this life. Sending you hugs and love in this difficult time in your life!

  73. Maureen 28 February 2013 at 12:12 pm Permalink

    Your family has suffered a huge loss, but I’m so thankful that your mindset as a writer and creator will facilitate the healing of your family. You see people and situations with a loving and grateful perspective, and thankfully, this will help you and your family as they heal in this situation. Remember, we are to “walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death” and not reside there, so your journey at this time is difficult, but rest assured, there is healing ahead.

  74. Cyndy R 28 February 2013 at 12:18 pm Permalink

    Thank you so much for sharing Lain and including this community. I feel so sad for you and your family but know that you will come through this even closer.

  75. RitaQ 28 February 2013 at 12:51 pm Permalink

    Been there (a long time ago). Time is a healer. You’re in my thoughts.
    xo RQ

  76. Nolwenn 28 February 2013 at 1:44 pm Permalink

    Dear Lain, I feel so sad for you and your family, thank you for sharing, it must have been difficult. *big hugs*

  77. Lytia Gilbey 28 February 2013 at 2:29 pm Permalink

    Lain, I am so sorry to hear your news, my heart is breaking for you and your family.Having had several miscarriages myself, I understand the grief you are going through. I just wish I could give you and your family a massive hug. My thoughts are with you all. xxxx

  78. jenlynnie 28 February 2013 at 2:45 pm Permalink

    So sorry for the sadness in your life. **hugs**

  79. Kim W 28 February 2013 at 3:10 pm Permalink

    Dear Lain,
    Love and big hugs to you! You and your family will be in my prayers. Sadly, I experienced a very similar experience to yours (only I was even older than you are). You so eloquently put all the feelings down into words which I greatly admire since that’s so difficult for me. Your story made me cry….for you and for me…..but also reminds me how very fortunate we are that God has blessed us with other children to fill our lives. Thank you so much for sharing with us.

  80. Kathy28 28 February 2013 at 3:38 pm Permalink

    Lain, I am so sorry for your loss. Words are a poor substitute for a hug but it’s the best we can do right now

  81. Anne 28 February 2013 at 4:18 pm Permalink

    Lain, thank you for sharing your moving and heart-wrenching journey with us. You are a strong and wonderful wife, mother, daughter and friend, and I hope your faith and the love that surrounds you will help lessen the pain as you move forward. xoxo

  82. Carol Schremmer 28 February 2013 at 4:20 pm Permalink

    Oh Lain, I am so sorry that you and your family had to go through this. It helps that you are putting it in God’s hands. He doesn’t promise that we won’t have hurts, but He does promise that He will be there with us through them. We, your other “family” will be there for you, too.
    Love and prayers. God bless you.

  83. lisa elder 28 February 2013 at 5:39 pm Permalink

    Hugs! I am so sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  84. LCSmithSAVED (Leslie) 28 February 2013 at 7:19 pm Permalink

    ***HUGS***
    xoxoxoxoxo

  85. Briel 28 February 2013 at 8:13 pm Permalink

    Dear Lain, Thank you for sharing so honestly this piece of your heart. I have been thinking about you often, and at strange times, and perhaps this is why. Even though we don’t “know” each other, you share yourself so vividly through the internet that it often feels like I know you better than I really do.

    Sending strength and support through the wires.

  86. Deborah M 28 February 2013 at 9:28 pm Permalink

    Oh Lain, I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs(())

  87. Lori Shulik 28 February 2013 at 9:40 pm Permalink

    Lain,

    Big HUGS to all of you, I too was excited as I read and then was crying right along with you. Thank you for sharing “Speck” with us. Praying for you and the family.

    Lori

    PS Yes you have been missed but now we understand.

  88. Lisa Rentschler 28 February 2013 at 9:51 pm Permalink

    I grieve with you. I have had three ectopic pregnancies (one with an IVF procedure). I pray for peace and comfort for you always.

  89. Katherine M 28 February 2013 at 10:37 pm Permalink

    As a mother who has gone through 2 miscarriages and then early menopause after the twins I completely understand what you are describing. Hugs to you and your family – you are not alone and you are right. God has a plan and he will reveal it to us in his own good time.

  90. SueLynn 28 February 2013 at 10:49 pm Permalink

    So sorry for your loss, Lain. I’ve experienced a similar loss of an unexpected blessing. My heart aches for you. Hugs!

  91. Eileen Mailloux 28 February 2013 at 10:50 pm Permalink

    I’m so sorry Lain. Your faith and your strength is amazing, and a blessing for those who know you. Thank you for sharing this part of yourself. Major hugs to you and your family.

  92. StacyC 28 February 2013 at 11:00 pm Permalink

    Oh Lain, my heart goes out to you. What a roller coaster this life can be. I’m so impressed with your outlook and ability to accept God’s hand in your life.

    Hang in there! You are definitely surrounded by lots of love.

    StacyC

  93. Alli 28 February 2013 at 11:03 pm Permalink

    {{{hugz}}} to you and all who are touched by your journey…
    prayers for comfort to all as well…

  94. Wynell Keel 28 February 2013 at 11:19 pm Permalink

    Lain,

    Along with the others who have commented, I’m so sorry for your loss. I pray that you & your family will feel the comfort & peace & love from God that only He can give. I agree also that you are a very strong lady & are loved by many. Thank you so much for sharing your story with all of us. Please take the time you need to heal your body & your mind. We’ll all be here to encourage & love you from near & far. You all are definitely in lots of thoughts & prayers this week.

    Take Care!
    Wynell

  95. Marcia F 28 February 2013 at 11:25 pm Permalink

    Oh Lain, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your story hit such a soft spot in my heart, as my first two babies didn’t live past my third months of pregnancy. I, too, had the emotional ups and downs in th first pregnancy since it was rather unexpected (although I was NOT 43-11/12 :O), but loved them just the same. I do agree though that God can bring good from a lousy situation, and I will be praying for you and your family – I’m sure they are so sad, too :(
    (I actually did a LOAD layout about this very thing – the first time I’ve been able to scrap about it – although I’m at the other end of the time spectrum. My LOAD #18 shows my blessings.)
    Big hugs, Lain. Love you!

  96. Mamatwoboys 28 February 2013 at 11:29 pm Permalink

    Grief is so personal but can be managed when you share the burden with friends and family. Take the time you need. Cry. Rest. And know that we are here for you. To help you on your journey, to make you smile and to listen when you share. God bless you and your family.

  97. Kim Johnson 28 February 2013 at 11:35 pm Permalink

    Lain,

    I feel very honored that you have shared something so important and private with us. I agree with the other comments about going from smiles and laughter to tears so quickly in reading your post, I can only imagine the emotional roller coaster you and your family have been on. Hugs to you all and I will keep you all in my prayers during this time of healing.

    {{{HUGS}}}}

  98. Jewel 28 February 2013 at 11:56 pm Permalink

    Lain your story is so much like mine – I typed it all out but it’s still too sad for me to post. I wish you comfort, I know your sadness, and my heart is so, so sorry that you went through this – and yet so happy that Spark got to know your love and your family’s love. I wish you comfort during what I know to be a very difficult time.

  99. Barb in AK 1 March 2013 at 1:05 am Permalink

    I am so sorry for your loss. You are a woman of deep faith and strength.
    Your words even comfort us. Thank you for that. My prayers are with you and your family as you move through this valley.

  100. Sue Bunt 1 March 2013 at 9:15 am Permalink

    I am also new to the site and am so sorry for your loss. Your writing was so powerful and heartfelt.
    My thoughts are with you and your family
    Sue

  101. Dawn Coelin 1 March 2013 at 10:26 am Permalink

    Love and prayers to you and your family, my friend. Big hugs, too. Little Speck without a doubt felt your love and joy and will be waiting for you in heaven. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Thank you for sharing with us. You are amazing. xo

  102. Cheryl Linton 1 March 2013 at 12:21 pm Permalink

    Dear Lain, I am so sorry! I know your pain only two well. Having had four of the losses in our life, I know the blow it is to you all. I too understood the plan of God for my life, but not how it worked out. I just knew He knew best. My prayers are with all of you. Thank you for sharing this very personal side of you. You are so much more than just a scrapbooking business woman and we are privileged to know this side of you!

  103. Jen Wright 1 March 2013 at 1:59 pm Permalink

    Lain, we are so very sorry and just sending you hugs and our prayers for you and your family during this time.
    Hugs!
    jen

  104. Cathy Holiday 1 March 2013 at 2:03 pm Permalink

    Lain, our thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. We as a community will help lift you up and support you at this time.

  105. Gail Evans 1 March 2013 at 2:22 pm Permalink

    I have no words of wisdom for you just that I, along with many many of your “friends” love you and are praying for you and your family during this time. So sorry for your loss. Hugs, Gail

  106. Cindy Gallagher 1 March 2013 at 4:02 pm Permalink

    Oh, Lain, I’m so sorry. Sounds like Speck just wasn’t ready to jump into this mess we call life on this earth. Love and prayers to you.

  107. Angie 1 March 2013 at 4:21 pm Permalink

    Lain, I’m very very sorry for your loss. I pray that you and your family will find peace and comfort as you grieve.

  108. Sue Painter 1 March 2013 at 7:56 pm Permalink

    Lain,
    I’m so sorry for your loss. Your writing is so beautiful, and your heart and soul so sharing. Appreciate you, and wishing you all good health and lots of rest.
    Sue P.

  109. Cindy Maxwell 1 March 2013 at 7:58 pm Permalink

    Love & hugs to you and your beautiful family. Thank you for letting me (and a lot of other people) hear and feel your story.
    Cindy Maxwell

  110. kre8tivekate 1 March 2013 at 8:07 pm Permalink

    May the Lord bless you and keep you and your family-and give you peace.

  111. Lori Gentile 1 March 2013 at 8:42 pm Permalink

    Lain, I’m so sorry for your loss. I have two similar stories. It’s heartbreaking and the healing process is just that; a process. I have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

  112. Pam 1 March 2013 at 9:41 pm Permalink

    Please know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult loss. May God bring you all comfort and peace and give you strength as you take this one day at a time.

  113. Erin 1 March 2013 at 10:26 pm Permalink

    Lain, thank you for your transperancy with your life and faith. I can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions you’ve experienced. May you feel God’s presence in a “bigger” way than ever before.

  114. Pam Palmer 2 March 2013 at 2:11 am Permalink

    Lain, I am so sorry for the loss of the little one. God in his wisdom saw fit to let you have him/her for a little while, to get used to the idea, then decided that maybe you had enough on your plate so took the little one Home. So as you work through this, please know that you are appreciated, and that you are right, God has his reasons.
    Hugs
    Pam

  115. Valerie Smith 2 March 2013 at 2:45 am Permalink

    My heart hurts for your loss. The words you wrote grabbed my heart. To know great loss- one must first know great love. Even if the knowledge of that love was brief…a mother’s love is deep and forever. Saying a prayer for you and your family.

  116. orange gearle 2 March 2013 at 7:32 pm Permalink

    Lain. Something very similar happened to me (at age 41) just a little over a year ago. Feel whatever you need to feel, do whatever you need to do, and just know that it’s all “normal” even though nothing about this is normal. :-( Think of you. :-) dona

  117. Carla 2 March 2013 at 9:45 pm Permalink

    Dear Lain, Thank you for sharing your life with all of us who have come to know you through your videos. There are no real words that can express ones feelings to you at what has taken place in your life. Your little “Speck” had a huge purpose and it may not be known right away but in time. You have touched many hearts here with your share and we all wish you and your family including “Speck” love and peace.

  118. Melissa Shanhun 3 March 2013 at 5:15 am Permalink

    Oh Lain, my heart goes out to you. I too am in tears, I can’t imagine the rollercoaster of emotions over the last few weeks. Little Speck, I’m sorry we didn’t get to meet you on this earth, but you are loved.

    Lain, I just want to reach through the screen and give you a hug!

    Thankyou for sharing your story, and I pray that you and your family will have peace.

  119. marianne b 3 March 2013 at 10:01 am Permalink

    I’m so sorry Lain. I’m sending you lots of healing light and strength. Hugs to you and your family.

  120. Tasra Dawson 3 March 2013 at 11:03 am Permalink

    Sending lots of love and warmth to you Lain. You are in my heart and prayers… always.

  121. Claire Cummings 3 March 2013 at 11:05 am Permalink

    Lain

    What an incredible woman you are. I am so sorry for you and your family’s loss and thank you for sharing your story. All this happening to you during LOAD, where we expect you to be available to us.

    Wishing you all the best during this very difficult time.

  122. Trisha Hamilton 3 March 2013 at 1:37 pm Permalink

    Lain, I am so sorry for your deep loss. God bless you and your family.

  123. Diane Kirkland 3 March 2013 at 3:40 pm Permalink

    Lain, I am so very sorry for your loss. May God in His goodness and graciousness bring you the peace and comfort that only He can provide during this most difficult time. Sending thoughts, prayers, and a gentle hug. <

  124. Marygail 3 March 2013 at 4:09 pm Permalink

    Lain,
    I am so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts.

    Marygail

  125. Peg 3 March 2013 at 5:15 pm Permalink

    Lain, I’m so sorry for your loss and know that you and your family will be in my prayers as you make your way through these waters. Hugs!

  126. Lisa Harris 3 March 2013 at 5:43 pm Permalink

    I never know what to say in times like these. Just want you to know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for what you’re going through.

  127. teri 4 March 2013 at 12:42 am Permalink

    One day you will hold that sweet baby in your arms. Love and prayers.

  128. Teri L 4 March 2013 at 1:45 am Permalink

    Lain, so sorry for your loss. So glad you are resting in God and trusting in His plan even through your grief.

  129. Amy 4 March 2013 at 6:01 am Permalink

    My heart goes out to you and your family. Praying for all of you in this sorrowful time.

  130. mcfsmimi 4 March 2013 at 11:22 am Permalink

    Thank you for sharing. You and your family are in our hearts and prayers.

    xoxoxo

  131. Janet 5 March 2013 at 1:31 pm Permalink

    Sitting here rejoicing, crying, and praying right with you.
    My sister has lost 3 little ones and I see the pain it has
    caused her. I am so sorry Lain. So so so sorry.
    Hug, warm smiles and lots of prayers.
    You sure have some definite moxy my friend.
    Janet

  132. Margareta Carlsson 5 March 2013 at 3:05 pm Permalink

    {{{hugs}}}

  133. Crescendo Lobdell 6 March 2013 at 2:48 pm Permalink

    Dearest Lain,

    You are truly my inspiration. When things are looking down for me, I read your emails and immerse myself (as much as possible with 7 little ones running around) in the world of scrapbooking. I am instantly cheered by your upbeat nature. My heart and prayers are wrapped around you and your family. Though we may not always understand, we know that there is a Master Plan.

  134. amyptucson 7 March 2013 at 1:29 pm Permalink

    oh dear oh dear oh my heavens. Sending many hugs. Sharing tears.
    Your faith is beautiful. Your writing is beautiful.
    I am so so so sorry for your loss.
    Your mom heart and your kids’ sibling hearts had already embraced Speck and loved him/her so much!
    I hope your (sainted) husband is doing okay, too.

  135. Gina Comer 7 March 2013 at 4:00 pm Permalink

    My heart leaped with joy in the first half and sank in sorrow at the last. Thank you for sharing this with us, your readers, it is an honor. Hold tight and be kind to each other as you grieve. My prayers are with your and yours. Baby’s little life story is a testimony that honors God through you, let it not go out into void.

  136. Heather Hillary 7 March 2013 at 6:54 pm Permalink

    In times of trouble or grief and sorrow, I call upon the lyrics of Horatio Spafford for comfort. I offer them to you now.

    When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
    When sorrows like sea billows roll;
    Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
    It is well, it is well, with my soul.

    Hugs and comfort to you and your family.

  137. Laura 15 March 2013 at 4:48 pm Permalink

    So sorry for what you have been through and are going through. My prayers are with you and your family.

  138. Lisa H 15 May 2013 at 10:09 pm Permalink

    Lain, my heart aches for you. I am so sad to hear you are going through this. You are so brave to share your story. I have been there – 5 times in fact. And it seems no one ever talks about it, even though it happens so so much. I hope you are feeling stronger as the days pass. I know that little one felt the strong love of a wonderful family.


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